PAPAL PEOPLE EATER

I was shopping at a department store today, and I almost picked up a box set containing all four Omen movies on a whim...until I realized that I couldn't handle hearing "O Fortuna" that many times in a row...

I also saw a special issue of Life magazine (as opposed to Life cereal, which would be funnier) with Pope John Paul II's picture on it. The irony immediately struck me, with a lightning bolt to follow, without a doubt.

Anyway, later on--synchronicity being the motherfucker that it is--I was digging through some of my older written material, looking for stuff that might qualify as "bonus supplementary goods" for the upcoming reissue of my debut work (1997's The Dyslexicon), and found something interesting.

It was written as a parody of the Pentecostal perspective that the Pope is the Antichrist. The lyrics are mostly taken from the Book Of Revelations, and "Revelation Expounded" by Finis Jennings Dake (famous for his Evange-licious, Fundy-tastic Study Bible). Hey, if Dake was good enough for Swaggart, and Swaggart is good enough for me to make fun of...what the hell.

And no, I don't really believe it.

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PAPAL PEOPLE EATER*

*(sung to the tune of Sheb Wooley's "Purple People Eater)


A star fell from Heaven, but still burned bright—
A ten-horned Beast that thought it was the Light.
I commenced to slay it, and it said “Why me?”
“Don’t you know who controls your economy?”
(It was a two-faced, ten-horned holy Papal People Eater—
Three Vials, four letters—power-hungry bottom-feeder,
A great Beast rising from the sea.)

Son of Saturn, Son of Sam to me—
Who desperately wants to be
The Son of God, Son of Man, Head of the Fan Club
(Son of the Morning, son of a gun—Beelzebub.)
(It was a two-faced, ten-horned holy Papal People Eater—
Seven heads, seven mountains: a growing world leader,
Witch-burning with glee.)

So, Mr. Papal People Eater, what makes you divine?
(He said) “By reading Scripture—but just between the lines.”
“International banking helps, you understand—
Worship, wealth, and power go hand in hand in hand.”
(Save my soul, you’ve reached your goal—holy Papal People Eater.
Revising history extending back to Peter—
Rock of conspiracy.)

“Through endless propaganda, I’m the biggest game in town.
Good people spread the faith like a disease going around.
Revelation says ten kings shall bring me doom
(Singing, Awop bop aloo bop lop bam BOOM!).”
(Religious Right of Endless Night, great Papal People Eater—
Violate the Word of God like a parking meter,
Diabolical diocese.)

The day is coming, only God in Heaven knows,
When angels with trumps shout, “The action is go!”
You’ll be usurped of Voice and Power as foresaid…
Left to play your hymns through the ten horns in your head!
(Yes, one day, God will repay—Papal People Eater.
The Whore of Revelation is just a cheerleader…
The truth shall set you free.)