SPECIAL DISPENSATION

Happy, indeed...for at least ONE of them.

You know, I'm starting to think that ol' Brother Swaggart is beginning to lose it.

Consider this: The only thing more frightening than the above photo, is the title of his newest CD--released almost immediately after the above issue saw print. The title?

"Then JESUS Came..."

I'm not making that up.

Yeah...I know.

It's been an exciting week for Christendom, though; you can't blame them for being a little edgy. Afterall, George W. Bush nearly missed the Rapture. The problem, of course, is who will run the country once the Christian Right ascends to frickin' Heaven?

I'll tell you: The Log Cabin Republicans. Think about it--they'll be the only ones left! Really.

Clearly, the GOP has missed the boat by not organizing a more realistic Succession Plan once the Good Lord sucks 'em up into the sky.

Like a "thief in the night," indeed...

Whether it's Christians against Bush, or Bush against the Christians, or Christians against the Constitution, or even Christians against the Christians, one thing is for certain: there's a whole lotta glossolalia goin' on.

I believe it was Don Henley who said, "Freedom? That's just some people talkin'." Little did he know they spoke in tongues. But what would he know? He's just a lib'rul Satanist, anyway, right?

Don't be a pussy...real men repent!

But there is tragedy in the midst of excitement, I am afraid.

Today, I am forced to extend my condolences to the reverend Paul Crouch, Pat Robertson, and Jack Van Impe, who all experienced a grave loss this week with the passing of the Pope. Who will be the Antichrist, now? Well...even Karol (aka Pope John Paul II) had some suggestions.

(Well...maybe Pat will get over it--he has a campaign to run, you know.)

But really, who didn't see any of this coming? The writing was on the wall. Karol's days were coming to a close like a "special dispensation." (Sadly, The Onion seems to have taken down their uproarious "Aging Pope Just Blessing Everything In Sight" article).

But the Pope was more than an aging Polack in a funny hat. He was an influential world leader, with his blessed trembling fingers in many a political pie.

Given the nature of his final moments, I'm surprised no one has thought of this:

The Christian world should practice what it preaches. The Pope should have been kept alive indefinately on machines like Terri Schiavo. He would actually be alot more progressive--and hey, he's infallible, right?

Priest #1 to Coma-Pope:
"Your Holiness (kisses ring)...I'd like to stop molesting little boys. Can priests just fucking marry already?"

Coma-Pope to Priest: "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH-WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAA."

Priest #2 to Coma-Pope: "Actually, Your Holiness (kisses ring), I rather like little boys. Is that cool, too?"

Coma-Pope to Priest: "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH-WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAA."

Well...come to think of it, I guess it wouldn't change that much, afterall...

It's a shame about Schiavo, by the way--she had such a wonderful future in politics...

I'll also miss all those fundies running around with tape over their mouths. Whose feeding tube do I have to remove to get them to tape their mouths shut again? Because I'd love that. It was a trend that died too soon!

Mall-Fundie Holding Chick Tract: "MMMMMMMPHHH-MMRRRR-MMMMMMMPHH!"

Me: "What? You say Jesus never existed? Is that what you're trying to say?"

Mall-Fundie Frantically Nodding: "NNNNNNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRR-JJJZZSSSRRRZZZZ!"

Me: "Huh? Oh--I get it, you want me to burn this for you! (takes tract, lights it) No worries! Glad I could help!"

Mall-Fundie Waving And Fuming: "MMMMMMRRRRFFFFFKRRRRR-GGDDDMMMMM!"


Ahh...if only it were so easy.


So...who wants to take bets on Jerry?

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