ROMEO ISCARIOT

June 30th, 2007

The dream is dead, but my loins are purring. My eyes are tired, but my mind is swimming. I don't know what I am here for anymore. But then I saw her standing there…and God be praised, even as He is betrayed.

And it came to pass that upon coming, I would come to pass on for countless twitching hours a great and terrible Peace I felt from her name and my ignorance: it was that I knew her name, and it was Jezebel; and that I knew nothing else at all about her, other than she did not know me, either. Great and terrible indeed was this piece of Peace, and of ass--it was a piece that passes all understanding.

I knew not her faith or creed, yet knew the name of every god she called for when she screamed. And so it was, that God knew the number of hairs upon her head; and that I would know the number and location of every birthmark, and the shapes that each would make when squeezed from an infinity of angles. And as I ravaged as reprobate the image of God among the Godless, I swiftly and with Heaven's hellfire would eat the flesh of a perfect sacrifice--as the lips of the devoted shook and shivered from the gift of tongues… It was here that nipples were erect and temples were defiled, where dreams and visions of pale steeds and scarlet whores gave sight to the blind and bound, and soothing aloe to the handcuffed... Where the erect Elect took up their cross as handmaidens took off their clothes… Where the knees of those who knelt were ground to thin stigmata while the master gnawed on any ears that were to hear, all that I would whisper here--sweet nothings, precious else and the lonely now. For, by grace, the Lonely Now was yesterday.

And sometimes, I need to be reminded why I can never get attached. Such pleasures of the flesh and those beneath the chest...creature comforts, comforted creatures...damsels in distress, undressed; paradise by dashboard fright. It all makes you write stupid things. At the end of the night, it was a fleeting glimmer of hope, and an epic smear across the sheets. In the end, I am unredeemable; I'm not even worth ten cents in Minnesota. I am resigned to fate, or fatality.

But still...Love just sits there, gawking at you…peering creepily through the blinds.

Bah. It probably has bugs in it, anyway.


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JESUS CHRIST--I THINK I'VE WON!

January 17, 2007

Sure...I'll return to my long-promised Bang Thy Neighbor series conclusion soon...but first, this:

I got the most awesome e-mail today:

"Final Attempt: Free Trip to Las Vegas for Jesus Christ!"

You see, I signed up for Publishers Clearing House under the name of "Jesus Christ," for the sole purpose of getting letters that said:

"JESUS CHRIST, YOU'VE WON A MILLION DOLLARS!"

Because PCH sells your name like a Thai prostitute sells ya-ba, I've gotten so many truly hilarious-sounding e-mails, that I tend to keep them, just for the titles. This last e-mail was the perfect opportunity to wrap up a hobby that has lasted since 2004.

So, without further adieu, here are some of my favorite pieces of the Lord's Latest Mail (with my commentary beneath each entry):



*************************************************
FILE UNDER: CHRIST, JESUS H.
*************************************************


From: "bluedaynet.com"
Subject: Jesus Christ! Congratulations!

Fucking A! Thanks!


From: "EzLender4UOnweb"
Subject: Good Morning, Jesus Christ!

Good afternoon, Holy Spirit...


From: "Diane Klinger"
Subject: I'm trying to reach Jesus Christ

Aren't they all?


From: "Cashflow Center"
Subject: Jesus -I'd like to talk to you tomorrow (Thurs.), please confirm

"Thusday is bad for Me, but I can schedule a Friday car crash around, oh...say...3ish? Now, if you need earlier, there's a plane going down at noon..."


From: "BigMike"
Subject: Hi Jesus, You Got IMPORTANT Mail

I suppose He would, wouldn't He?



*************************************************
CURIOUS OFFERINGS UNTO THE LORD...
*************************************************


From: "Publishers Clearing House"
Subject: Script Transmitted:: Route To: CHRIST

(Here's a particularly memorable quote from the letter...)

Quote:

---

Jesus Christ, you could find yourself in a position to really help us.
You see, recently we had a winner reaction that was less than exciting.
This resulted in a TV commercial that disappointed everyone at Publishers Clearing House
(including our boss).
We really want to make sure our winning moments are great. That's where you could come in.

---

From: "Psychic Connection"
Subject: Jesus You Must Test Your Psychic Connection Now!

"(Tap-tap-tap...) Is this thing on?"


From: "Certified Mail"
Subject: Jesus, are you an instant winner?

Only in Biblical Weeks.


From: "Department Cor"
Subject: Jesus, is this your confirmation number?

"777? Yeah, that's Me..."


From: "ECQ"
Subject: JESUS, last step to complete your search

To find ten good men in Sodom?


From: "Christian Debt Network"
Subject: Jesus saves…and so can you with Christian Debt Network.

"I'm Jesus Christ, and I approve of this message. Amen."


From: "Your Interests Only"
Subject: Perfect cookie for Jesus (adv)

File under: A meal fit for a king!



*************************************************
GET TO WORK, LORD...
*************************************************


The following "offers" sound dangerously suspicious, in a mafioso kind of way, if read in sequence...


From: "Robert Allen"
Subject: Jesus, wanna' make $24k in 24 hours?

"Pssst...hey buddy...yeah, you, with the holes in your hands..."


From: "careerfinder"
Subject: Jesus, we're trying to reach you regarding a job

"We're going to make You an offer You can't refuse..."


From: asvab@recruitingcenter.com
Subject: Jesus, want to join the Military?

"So...about this job...how would You feel about, oh...killing a man? $24k! All legal!"



*************************************************
SACRED LONELY HEARTS
*************************************************


From: "DreamMates"
Subject: Jesus, are you single?

Is this one of those "Jesus Only" arguments?


From: "todaysapple.com"
Subject: Jesus, christian singles cafe - cozy, romantic

"...cozy, romantic...holy..."


From: "Where Christians Meet"
Subject: Jesus - Meet Real Christian Singles

As opposed to those posers in Your church.


From: "Chris M"
Subject: Check out this girl, Jesus :)

Mary: "Jesus...son, when are You going to settle down and give me some grandkids? You know, I saw that nice girl at the supermarket...she asked about You again... What? Oh fine, then--break Your mother's heart!"


From: "HotMatchup"
Subject: Jesus Christ, Sizzling profiles & hot photos of sexy women!

Maybe the direct approach is best?



*************************************************
BORN AGAIN, AGAIN...
*************************************************


From: "$50K Makeover"
Subject: Jesus Enter a new chapter in your life

A new Revelation, if you will...


From: "sourcescan.com"
Subject: Jesus, regain your good standing

Because You really owe those people after the tsunami...


From: "RRN"
Subject: Jesus Christ Your Debt is Erased

Hallelujah! He's forgiven Himself!


From: "BN Fast Auto Loans"
Subject: JESUS, everyone deserves a second chance.

Except Hitler. Fuck that guy.


From: "bluedaynet.com"
Subject: Jesus Believe me, you better take sunscreen!

Because it's going to be pretty hot where You're going...



*************************************************
HOLY WARS (MAY THE BEST DEITY WIN)
*************************************************


From: "TakeOne Entertainment"
Subject: Jesus Christ come meet the Lord of the Free DVD

"It's been pretty busy here in Heaven, so we've had to outsource a few things..."


From: "Lil Buddha"
Subject: Jesus, do you need luck desperately? Then rub my belly

"Oh sure--just rub it in, fat man."


From: "New MySpace Message"
To: "Jesus Christ" <*******@yahoo.com>
Subject: New message from MOHAMMED on MySpace sent on February 9, 2006 11:57AM PST

I smell a fight about to break out...


*************************************************
THEY PRACTICALLY WRITE THEMSELVES...
*************************************************


From: "Cashflowcenter.com"
Subject: Jesus, would you take another job?

Because, to put it gently...we have to let You go.


From: "ACG Counselor"
Subject: Jesus, tear down that wall of debt

And drive out the money-lenders, while You're at it.


From: "Event Director"
Subject: Jesus, haven't taken a vacation in a while?

Because we're pretty sure You were sleeping on 9-11.


From: "CF News"
Subject: CF News: Jesus Christ, This is pretty weird...

This, my friends, is an understatement...


From: "Accounts Payable"
Subject: JESUS, Why aren't you responding?

I've been asking this for years now...

*************************************************

Holy shit--it like a fount eternal! Jesus H. Christ...the fun never ends!


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