JESUS CHRIST--I THINK I'VE WON!

January 17, 2007

Sure...I'll return to my long-promised Bang Thy Neighbor series conclusion soon...but first, this:

I got the most awesome e-mail today:

"Final Attempt: Free Trip to Las Vegas for Jesus Christ!"

You see, I signed up for Publishers Clearing House under the name of "Jesus Christ," for the sole purpose of getting letters that said:

"JESUS CHRIST, YOU'VE WON A MILLION DOLLARS!"

Because PCH sells your name like a Thai prostitute sells ya-ba, I've gotten so many truly hilarious-sounding e-mails, that I tend to keep them, just for the titles. This last e-mail was the perfect opportunity to wrap up a hobby that has lasted since 2004.

So, without further adieu, here are some of my favorite pieces of the Lord's Latest Mail (with my commentary beneath each entry):



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FILE UNDER: CHRIST, JESUS H.
*************************************************


From: "bluedaynet.com"
Subject: Jesus Christ! Congratulations!

Fucking A! Thanks!


From: "EzLender4UOnweb"
Subject: Good Morning, Jesus Christ!

Good afternoon, Holy Spirit...


From: "Diane Klinger"
Subject: I'm trying to reach Jesus Christ

Aren't they all?


From: "Cashflow Center"
Subject: Jesus -I'd like to talk to you tomorrow (Thurs.), please confirm

"Thusday is bad for Me, but I can schedule a Friday car crash around, oh...say...3ish? Now, if you need earlier, there's a plane going down at noon..."


From: "BigMike"
Subject: Hi Jesus, You Got IMPORTANT Mail

I suppose He would, wouldn't He?



*************************************************
CURIOUS OFFERINGS UNTO THE LORD...
*************************************************


From: "Publishers Clearing House"
Subject: Script Transmitted:: Route To: CHRIST

(Here's a particularly memorable quote from the letter...)

Quote:

---

Jesus Christ, you could find yourself in a position to really help us.
You see, recently we had a winner reaction that was less than exciting.
This resulted in a TV commercial that disappointed everyone at Publishers Clearing House
(including our boss).
We really want to make sure our winning moments are great. That's where you could come in.

---

From: "Psychic Connection"
Subject: Jesus You Must Test Your Psychic Connection Now!

"(Tap-tap-tap...) Is this thing on?"


From: "Certified Mail"
Subject: Jesus, are you an instant winner?

Only in Biblical Weeks.


From: "Department Cor"
Subject: Jesus, is this your confirmation number?

"777? Yeah, that's Me..."


From: "ECQ"
Subject: JESUS, last step to complete your search

To find ten good men in Sodom?


From: "Christian Debt Network"
Subject: Jesus saves…and so can you with Christian Debt Network.

"I'm Jesus Christ, and I approve of this message. Amen."


From: "Your Interests Only"
Subject: Perfect cookie for Jesus (adv)

File under: A meal fit for a king!



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GET TO WORK, LORD...
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The following "offers" sound dangerously suspicious, in a mafioso kind of way, if read in sequence...


From: "Robert Allen"
Subject: Jesus, wanna' make $24k in 24 hours?

"Pssst...hey buddy...yeah, you, with the holes in your hands..."


From: "careerfinder"
Subject: Jesus, we're trying to reach you regarding a job

"We're going to make You an offer You can't refuse..."


From: asvab@recruitingcenter.com
Subject: Jesus, want to join the Military?

"So...about this job...how would You feel about, oh...killing a man? $24k! All legal!"



*************************************************
SACRED LONELY HEARTS
*************************************************


From: "DreamMates"
Subject: Jesus, are you single?

Is this one of those "Jesus Only" arguments?


From: "todaysapple.com"
Subject: Jesus, christian singles cafe - cozy, romantic

"...cozy, romantic...holy..."


From: "Where Christians Meet"
Subject: Jesus - Meet Real Christian Singles

As opposed to those posers in Your church.


From: "Chris M"
Subject: Check out this girl, Jesus :)

Mary: "Jesus...son, when are You going to settle down and give me some grandkids? You know, I saw that nice girl at the supermarket...she asked about You again... What? Oh fine, then--break Your mother's heart!"


From: "HotMatchup"
Subject: Jesus Christ, Sizzling profiles & hot photos of sexy women!

Maybe the direct approach is best?



*************************************************
BORN AGAIN, AGAIN...
*************************************************


From: "$50K Makeover"
Subject: Jesus Enter a new chapter in your life

A new Revelation, if you will...


From: "sourcescan.com"
Subject: Jesus, regain your good standing

Because You really owe those people after the tsunami...


From: "RRN"
Subject: Jesus Christ Your Debt is Erased

Hallelujah! He's forgiven Himself!


From: "BN Fast Auto Loans"
Subject: JESUS, everyone deserves a second chance.

Except Hitler. Fuck that guy.


From: "bluedaynet.com"
Subject: Jesus Believe me, you better take sunscreen!

Because it's going to be pretty hot where You're going...



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HOLY WARS (MAY THE BEST DEITY WIN)
*************************************************


From: "TakeOne Entertainment"
Subject: Jesus Christ come meet the Lord of the Free DVD

"It's been pretty busy here in Heaven, so we've had to outsource a few things..."


From: "Lil Buddha"
Subject: Jesus, do you need luck desperately? Then rub my belly

"Oh sure--just rub it in, fat man."


From: "New MySpace Message"
To: "Jesus Christ" <*******@yahoo.com>
Subject: New message from MOHAMMED on MySpace sent on February 9, 2006 11:57AM PST

I smell a fight about to break out...


*************************************************
THEY PRACTICALLY WRITE THEMSELVES...
*************************************************


From: "Cashflowcenter.com"
Subject: Jesus, would you take another job?

Because, to put it gently...we have to let You go.


From: "ACG Counselor"
Subject: Jesus, tear down that wall of debt

And drive out the money-lenders, while You're at it.


From: "Event Director"
Subject: Jesus, haven't taken a vacation in a while?

Because we're pretty sure You were sleeping on 9-11.


From: "CF News"
Subject: CF News: Jesus Christ, This is pretty weird...

This, my friends, is an understatement...


From: "Accounts Payable"
Subject: JESUS, Why aren't you responding?

I've been asking this for years now...

*************************************************

Holy shit--it like a fount eternal! Jesus H. Christ...the fun never ends!


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