PARADISE ROLLED

April 19th, 2007


I was digging through my oldest archives and notebooks, and found the weirdest series of scribbles...apparently, several years ago, I got the idea to write a combination Narnia/Paradise Lost parody at some point, and then lost interest and forgot about it. I have no memory of any of this, but then, those were wild years... Here are the notes I found:

OUTLINE FOR A STORY I NEVER WROTE


One entrance is in a closet behind old smelly coats, a la Narnia. The gateway/door must be jimmied with a Golden Coathanger. There is a large yellow cat named Asohl. He is the Guide. He is somewhat ill-tempered. People alternately accuse him of looking like Garfield, Morris the Cat, and the Cowardly Lion. He hates this.

There are English-speaking beavers. I don't mean the flat-tailed mammals.

There should be Oz, Narnia, Paradise, Valhalla and Elysia references.
There are people constantly raking the Garden of Delight. They are looking for crack.

You must roll three sixes to get in the four gates...or should that be seven gates? (Hence, "Paradise Rolled"/Pair-o'-Dice. God, I need sleep.).

At least one Cloud 9 gag? Nah...
"Does he throw good parties? Babe, Donner throws EXCELLENT parties!"

No Catholics anywhere; the Pentecostals wouldn't let them in. The Pentecostals were the financial backers of Heaven. It didn't exist before they built it. Before Heaven, the Angels all had jobs as fairies and such. Therefore, for job security purposes, they indulge the fundies. They are in the process of tearing down the great Hanging Gardens of Heaven. Reasons? The fundies only allowed it to be built because they thought they would be hanging Heathens and Catholics there. Then, to make matters worse, they found out that there were hanging gardens in BABYLON! And worse still—"The Hanging Garden" is a Cure song, and Rock n' Roll is of the Devil! The Pentecostals/Fundies do Nero-type stuff to unbelievers and members of other denominations. They eventually get jobs as chief torturers in Hell.

GOD is independent from Heaven or Paradise. He isn't there.

The ultimate corridor with the ultimate truth should have a Rake in the Face gag.


"You have been weighed in the balance and found wanting" ("Mene mene tekel upharsin").

There's also a 12th century Latin phrase; tanquam si quis crucifigeret Paulum ut redemeret Petrum (as it were that one would crucify Paul in order to redeem Peter). There are other similar references in French and other languages, referring to clothes as well as money and crucifixion, but the oldest that uses the verb "rob" is from Wycliffe.

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I have no idea what half of this even means now--I haven't touched this file in nearly seven (or more) years! So a lot of my references and quotes are a mystery to even me. I seriously have no fucking clue what the quotes at the end were for...

But out of context, I thought this was funny.


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