A LOUD BELCH IN THE LONELY NOW

December 28, 2006

In the months since I have been "in exile," I have had physical contact with exactly one other person. She gave me a large bottle of sake' for Xmas; I have no complaints. Otherwise, my sister drunk-dials me periodically to make sure I'm not dead. And that's about it, really--the only voices I hear, for the most part, are the ones hurling invectives in my head.
But to my chagrin, it does get awfully quiet in the Lonely Now. Not that it wasn't my choice--I needed "me time." I had to go on walkabout for awhile. But the isolation does funny things to you sometimes...for instance, when you're hammered.

For instance, one night, whilst draining my last ounce of loser juice, I semi-drunkenly messaged nearly all of my attractive female friends, and solicited them for saucy/sexy/sleazy voice comments.

This was a bad idea.

In fact, it scarcely even counts as an "idea," as the very word itself suggests that some sort of thought went into it. Truth be told, in my personal history of poor judgment, this ranks right up there with "Hey, I wonder what heroin is like..." and "I bet this chick would love a finger up her ass!"

Needless to say, it proved to be an unpopular decision.

Note to self: No matter how inebriated, pathetic, horny, despondent, or lonesome-in-a-manly-sort-of-way-and-certainly-not-the-gayass-emo-kind you become, your hot female friends are not obligated to be your personal harem of voice-whores, under any circumstances.

Shortly after downloading enough porn to indict me in seventy-two separate nations, I passed out for a few hours with little memory of exactly what all I did. I awoke, however, with the nagging feeling that something horrible had occurred...
I checked all of the message boards I post at...nothing, no drunk-posts, no flamewars. I checked my e-mail, vigorously eyeing my "sent" folders for anything that might lead to a conviction. Again, nothing... I began to sigh with relief.

And then I checked MySpace, and my world unravelled like my faith and hope so many years before. Oh...fuck.

Hoping that at least one or two of the resident hotties I converse(d) with had a sense of humor, I reluctantly checked my Snapvine account for snarky voice messages and hateful diatribes.

In one single afternoon, I had accumulated nearly 40 voicemails.

And now for the punchline:
Thirty-nine of these voicemails were people asking me for furniture.

Huh?!

You see, a certain resourceful (and hilariously spiteful) ladyfriend decided to take revenge on me by placing a falacious ad on Craigslist.org, offering scores of free furniture, electronics, etc., with my Snapvine Voicemail extention as the callback number.

I just can't be angry. I have to admit, it was pretty funny; and I probably had it coming. Craigslist removed the ad pretty quickly, so no harm done. If you're curious, here is the text of the ad that was placed "in my honor" as such:

*******

Last week right before the holidays my mother passed. She left me everything. I am unable to use most of the things she owned. I would like to give them to a family, or someone in need. It is the Holidays and I would really like to help someone out

Queen Size bed
Blankets
Television with built in DVD/VCR. (seems to work fine)
Kitchen utensials
Granny clothing. Most are size medium, robes, shirts, pants, shoes.
There are a few pocketbooks also
Sewing Machine, not sure of brand
VHS Collection
Small Record Collection
2 full size dressers
Picture Frames

If you would like any of these items, you will have to come pick them up. I am unable to deliver them. I can bring some items to people in my area. Please call my number and leave a message. It will be first come first serve, and to those most in need. Thank you and God Bless
********

Sigh.

For sure, it was pretty clever, and showed a certain creativity, if nothing else. And I will continue to remember that cleverness and creativity (as well as her phone number) on countless bathroom walls, for many years to come.

And at the end of the day, a man talking dirty to a woman is forever harassment, whilst a woman talking dirty to a man is...$3.99 a minute.

There's a lesson in there somewhere...


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