TALES FROM THE SPAM-PURSE

I Have mail: Cerebus P. Lycanthropizer wants to increase the size of my penis, I don’t know what sort of personal stake he may have in this, but I figure it’s only proper to reply.

“Dear Cerebus:

Thank you for your concern about my purple-headed yogurt-thrower. We both are flattered. However, as the enclosed picture verifies, I have no need for your services. As such, my girlfriend has also informed me, that if she wanted a bigger dick in her life, I could simply act more like her ex-lover, Jack. Enclosed is a picture of him, as well.

Thanks again for your concern,

Yours in Christ Jesus,

Gabriel”
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.Of course, my email bounces back to me, undeliverable. That’s what’s really rude. That is what is untolerable. You see, when a telemarketer harasses me, I can harass them right back (my favorite is to push them into phone sex). When a vacuum saleman or Jehovah’s Witness come to my door, I can have fun by trying to sell them something back, or best yet, by maintaining eye-contact and a conversational tone while I slowly disrobe in front of them. But I can’t even get a single shot in at the spammers.

At least this used to be the case. While this is not typical of every spammer, a larger and larger majority of spam seems to be coming from legitimate addresses. Sure, they might be “hijacked,” but that makes things even more fun. But largely, they’re pseudo-legitimate “direct marketers” who work for large companies selling legitimate products, who bought your name from a list, fair and square. Publishers Clearing House, BMG, and e-bay are good examples of this. Did you sign up to a list or a service lately? You’re now officially somebody’s third-party bitch (sort of like Pat Buchanan). Tip: get a disposable e-mail account if you’re going to mess with anybody. Anytime you reply to a spam, they sell your name to other spammers. The fun never ends!

Imagine my joy when I sent a letter back to Publishers Clearing House (which included a picture of my cats for added irony)—asserting that they have my name wrong, and that my actual name is Jesus Christ—only to have them send me back a return mail thanking me for the correction…and then a second e-mail proclaiming, “Jesus Christ—you’ve won a million dollars!”

It is my hope that one day, you too, can experience that joy.

One day, I received the best spam ever—a true opportunity (for mockery, that is). It was a particularly lurid piece of Nigerian Scam Mail (go to www.spamscamscam.com if you don’t know what that is). Not only did this fellow need my help getting $3,000,000 out of the country, but he also wanted me to care for the “two dear orphaned girls” that were part of the deal. You see, he clamed that I was a long lost relative of a certain missionary who had died tragically in Nigeria (despite not getting my name right), and that in order to claim this multimillion dollar “inheritance,” I had to not only do business with him, but also take custody of the girl-orphans.
He called upon my “Christian charity.” Sweet.
So, inspired by Dean Cameron’s plight (see above link), I replied.
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“Dear Mustapha:

I would be delighted to work with you regarding these funds. As a Christian, I would obviously be glad to care for these poor girls. As a Catholic priest, however, I was obviously hoping for boys. But I shall trust in the Lord regarding this matter.

Please tell me more about the girls. How old are they? Do they have long, silky, blonde hair, flowing past their frail, wispy shoulders? Have they encountered the tender bumps and patches of young-ladyhood yet? Do they like lollipops?

I will be happy to send you the information you require; but first you must swear to me that you are indeed a man of faith. I would hate to think that these girls, with their sensual pouts and comely faces, soft, delicate skin and untrod loins, are in the hands of a pervert. Also, have you taken the Eucharist? Can you convince me that your name is written in the Lamb’s Book of Life? Please send me a picture of you taking the blessed communion, and I will happily do business with you, sir!

Also, send me a picture of the girls.

In His Service,

Rev. Gabriel C. Zolman, Th.d, B.S.”
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Mustapha never replied. Oh well. Money would have corrupted my ideals, I guess.

I needed to be in a spirit of giving, you see, I’ve decided that I should, instead, offer something back to those who offered me so much, and so often.

Using a throw-away e-mail address, and a template of the original Nigerian Spam Scam letter, I ran the letter’s nouns and adjectives through a Mad-libs type randomizer. I did a little cut and paste, tweaked it here and there, and—voila!—I have constructed the perfect Bizarro-World Spam Scam. I send it automatically in reply to every piece of “direct marketing” and spam that I receive. Surprisingly, these replies are rarely returned to me—perhaps these people are reading their e-mail after all! Read the blessed treaty they receive from me, in return for their generous offers (and feel free to copy this and use it as your own):


MY DEAR SPAM-PURSE,
I AM TZAR JESUS ABACHA, PHILLIPINO SEX SLAVE OF LATE GRAND IMPERIAL CYCLOPS CALIGULA ABACHA, HEAD OF STATE OF ARMENIA WHO DIED ON THE 8TH OF JUNE 1969 OF SYPHILIS . I CONTACTED YOU BECAUSE OF MY NEED TO DEAL WITH PERSONS WHOM MY FAMILY AND I HAVE HAD NO PREVIOUS PERSONAL, SEXUALLY INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS.
SINCE MY PHILLIPINO SEX SLAVE'S SYPHILIS , MY PERSONAL SAVIOUR HAS BEEN SUBJECTED TO ALL SORTS OF HARASSMENT AND INTIMIDATION WITH LOTS OF NEGATIVE REPORTS EMANATING FROM THE GOVERNMENT AND THE 700 CLUB ABOUT MY PHILLIPINO SEX SLAVE. THE PRESENT GOVERNMENT HAS ALSO ENSURED THAT OUR BANK ACCOUNTS ARE FLOPPY AND ALL TAINTMEATS SEIZED.
IT IS IN VIEW OF THIS, THAT I SEEK YOUR CO-OPERATION AND ASSISTANCE IN THE TRANSFER OF THE SUM OF US 23,000,000(23 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) BEING THE VERY LAST OF MY FAMILY FUND IN MY POSSESSION AND CONTROL.
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SEIZED ALL OUR OILY TAINTMEATS AND PICKLED ALL OUR GRITS BOTH LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL AFTER THE SYPHILIS OF MY PHILLIPINO SEX SLAVE, BUT MY ONLY HOPE NOW IS THIS AVAILABLE US $23,000,000 CASH WHICH I CAREFULLY PACKAGED AND DEPOSITED AS PHOTOGRAPHIC MATERIALS WITH A SECURITY COMPANY IN LAGOS WHERE MY ILLIGITIMATE BASTARD CHILD IS A MALE PROSTITUTE.
IF YOU ARE WILLING TO ASSIST US IN RECEIVING THIS MONEY ON OUR BEHALF, PLEASE, CONTACT MY ILLIGITIMATE BASTARD CHILD, RASPUTIN ABACHA, IMMEDIATELY ON FAX NUMBER 1029384756 OR TELEPHONE NUMBER 5647382910. ON RECEIPT OF YOUR REPLY, HE WILL CONTACT YOU TO DISCUSS THE NARWHALES AND NEGOTIATE YOUR REWARD, WHICH I CAN ASSURE YOU WILL BE VERY PHALLIC.
MEANWHILE, OUR INTENTION IS TO INVEST THIS FUND IN YOUR COUNTRY BASED ON YOUR ADVICE AND PLEASE ENSURE TO KEEP THIS PROPOSAL VERY SECRET AND CONFIDENTIAL FOR OBVIOUS REASONS AND SEND TO US YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE/FACSIMILE NUMBER FOR EASY AND CONFIDENTIAL, MAN-ON-MAN COMMUNICATION.
WHEN REPLYING, PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR SEXY TELEPHONE AND FAX BOOGER FOR DETAILS.
WE AWAIT YOUR IMMEDIATE RESPONSE.
SINCERELY, TZAR JESUS ABACHA. ..
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I then include a random photo of a moth or something as an attachment. Again, I am surprised that none of these are returned:

Perhaps it really is better to give than to receive afterall!

Jesus Christ—I think I’ve won!

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