STALKING THE WILD IDEAL

Democracy tastes like chicken...

Don't bury me; I'm not dead.

Nay...I merely dream. I dream of a truly bipartisan government. It's a bipartisan government populated by naked goth chicks, but hey, it's just a dream.

The likelihood of getting either "major" party to ever agree on anything is remote...but it gets you thinking: Surely, there is a way to please one party, while secretly giving the other party exactly what they want...right? Let's have a go, shall we?

Republicans, who think "bipartisan" means a straight-ticket Democrat who goes both ways, are convinced that liberals--who must clearly hate "their" country--love only three things: Abortion, Taxation, and Sodomy. Playing upon this perception, I have just the plan:

We'll tax abortion, and buttfuck anyone who disagrees.

Democrats, who think "diplomacy" means personally fellating each member of the UN, are convinced that conservatives--who must clearly hate "their" Constitution--love only three things: Oil, Cheap Labor, and Jesus. Working from this viewpoint, I've come up with this:

An annual benefit for Christian missions in Iraq, featuring oil-wrestling nuns, and catered by immigrants, brought over on Dubya's generous "Work-For-Tacos" plan.

You know, there has to be a million of these... Suggestions, anyone? We can make this work!


"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

—George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004


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