THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKENED

Severe Tire Damage for a Severely Tired Damn Age...

Three weeks.

Three damn weeks...

No posts... Scarcely any visits to my blogger brethren's sites... Nothing.

It's been a busy time...stricken with unceasing overtime, writer's block, injury, and this ridiculous fucking heat. I haven't been resting. I literally haven't had the time.

Thus I shall reward the returning reader--those not already alienated by my lax posting schedule--by posting frequently and obsessively throughout this week. Yes. Really. All at once, or not at all...that's the way I run this ship. I have too many half-finished tirades in the cue, anyway. These should have been posted ages ago...but I'm a perfectionist, you know ("perfectionist" roughly translating to "procrastinating self-indulgent prick").

Simply know that I am back, and hope to return to my only-slightly-lazy twice-a-week posting schedule. How all you daily bloggers manage to keep from madly trepanning hobos in frustration, I'll never know. I have much to learn from Jerky, still.

Here's a nice diversion for you: a metal-themed horoscope that despises you like fate itself.

Enjoy Round 1, kids. I have three goddamned fucking weeks of silence to undo...

WHOROSCOPES:

ARIES: (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
You will be more than a bit surprised this week when you find yourself waking up in Hell; even more surprising, however, is the Devil's strange affinity for Molly Hatchet and Foghat.

TAURUS: (Apr. 20 - May 20)
Your attempts to summon angels via Enochian Ritual Magick will receive a powerful boost this week, when you begin playing Stryper backwards during the ceremony.

GEMINI: (May 21 - Jun. 21)
Your penchant for sodomy will bring you sorrow this week, when you are forced to endure yet another Limp Bizkit show to locate others with your peculiar orientation.

CANCER: (Jun. 22 - Jul. 22)
Your growing disillusion with Metallica will blossom this week, as you hear James Hetfield describe his new tattoo as being "for his dead homies," whilst Lars drunkenly and mistakenly presses charges against himself.

LEO: (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
A new drummer, vocalist, and rhythm guitarist will be needed after your band mistakes an inquisitive pair of FBI agents for A&R scouts...enthusiastically attempting to impress them with your particularly anti-establishment brand of "Dope-smokin', Bush-hatin', Church-burning, Christian-raping Black Metal." Live chickens were a very bad idea.

VIRGO: (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22)
Your attempts to sign a band merging the best of Metal and Hardcore will hit an impasse today, as you realize that no one has played real Metal or real Hardcore in nearly twenty years.

LIBRA: (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Your suspicion that you are not worthy to suck Gene Simmons' left testicle will be confirmed this week when your generous offer is once again declined.

SCORPIO: (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Attempts to use a melodic vocalist, like many other modern Death Metal acts, will be met with mixed enthusiasm until you consider letting him sing, instead of simply using him as a kick drum.

SAGITTARIUS: (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Once again, your Dead Pool loses money when Phil Anselmo OD’s and is resuscitated once yet again just to piss you off.

CAPRICORN: (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
When explaining to a coworker that Ratt is no longer led by singer Stephen Pearcy, but rather, is now fronted by former Love/Hate vocalist Jizzy Pearl, you come upon a thrilling, if not remarkable, observation: Damn…you’re gay.

AQUARIUS: (Jan. 22 - Feb. 18)
Your idolization of Mercyful Fate frontman King Diamond will lead to tragedy this week, as well as a hospital visit, a ruined pair of garden shears, a large pool of blood, and a small bowl of ice water containing two roughly ovoid lumps of flesh.

PISCES: (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Your love of Christ-centered Heavy Metal will save you from folly tomorrow, as those girls, with their loose morals, large breasts, and free drugs would only compromise your faith.

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