GIVE CHANCE A PIECE

Where the streets have no shame...


ALL HAIL POPE BONO I

Thanks to FreakingNews.com for the photo.

Because you can’t have “slaughter” without “laughter,” I make my overdue observation/unabashedly ignorant opinion of the day: Boy, I bet Sudan wishes they had huge oil reserves right about now. Sure, they have a bit--but nothing worth, say, invading the country and "liberating" the suffering populace for. If nothing, it proves our President does not play favorites: He invades Iraq, "liberating" anti-Christian Muslims from tyranny; meanwhile thousands of his fellow Christians are being ruthlessly exterminated. And what does he do? The presidential equivalent of scrounging around his couch cushions for something to shut that veteran guy up at the Wal-mart entrance. If he were any more aloof in the face of disaster, there'd be a laugh track.

I am obviously not the first to make this observation; however, it is I alone who hears their somber cries…they scream out, “Help us, Pink Floyd! We need your healing laser lights!”

They said they’d see us on the dark side of the moon…but it seems they’ve settled for merely the wrong side of an issue. Live Aid? Oh, please. I can do better, with both hands and the Armenian Pride tied tautly behind my hairy mammal back...

I now present you with the ultimate feel-goodnik voyeuristic feed-the-children hippie love-in of all time:

“OIL FOR DARFUR!” 2005—A FESTIVAL OF HOPE AND STUFF.

RAISING MONEY TO PURCHASE ADDITIONAL OILFIELDS/COMPASSION FOR WARTORN DARFUR.

1. Bono and Bruce Springsteen will take turns giving earnest, heartfelt glares at one another, coupled with couplets—random and overwrought—of various assorted faux-spirituals, impassioned pleas, and anthems for the working class/proletariat. It can be a virtual staring contest of earnestness…tell me—who shall out-earnest the other?Who shall best the better man? Later, Eddie Vedder will attempt to outdo them by slicing off snippets of his own flesh to feed to the homeless.

2. Forget about this last Pink Floyd fiasco—let’s get Syd Barrett on the stage, and have a REAL reunion. Twenty minutes containing alternating bouts of laughter and weeping, messages from the space-fathers, drool, and incoherent ravings that could only be genius. And then a guitar solo…a long one.

3. A message from the President...you know…to make Syd sound more coherent by comparison. Furthermore: Bingo cards shall be distributed amongst those in attendance.Anytime the President says the words “terrorists,” “9-11,” “security,” “freedom,” “honor,” “liberty,” “heroes,” or “sacrifice,” we mark off squares.

4. Campfire with folk songs, and Karl Rove. Karl will then proceed to tell us all a secret…the secret of powerful, natural male enhancement—courtesy of Enzyte!

5. Enlistment-age children of present Congressmen are tagged, numbered, and released into the wild. Mothers of “collateral damage”/”human casualties” are saddled upon horses, and given dart guns.

6. Jane Fonda to cover the festivities as guest-anchor for Al-Jazeera.

7. Green Day, Rancid, Good Charlotte, Sum41, and The Distillers will appear together, representing the “counterculture” for those watching from the mall. In between pre-scripted sneers, and “accidental” slips of course language to show the folks how “punk” and “rebellious” they are, there will be frank discussions of Free Energy, as it is created on the spot by the spinning, freely oscillating corpses of Sid Vicious, Joe Strummer, Darby Crash, and Joey Ramone.

8. Former Korn guitarist Brian “Head” Welch to say some Jesus stuff. Afterwards, he is to be bound for 1000 years, after which time, he shall loosed for yet another fifteen minutes of fame. Meanwhile, NoFx to team up with Ellen Degeneres and Janeane Garofalo for something so cumbersomely unfunny and heavy-handed, it causes a spontaneous worldwide resurgence in the careers of Carrot Top, Pauly Shore, and Yahoo Serious.

9. Peter Gabriel to briefly rejoin Genesis on stage, long enough only to demonstrate why Phil Collins must die. Meanwhile, in the distance, Sting and David Bowie challenge one another to a duel, to be carried out in the most pretentious, condescending way possible.A clearly unhinged Thom Yorke to mediate, until viciously stabbed to death by members of Coldplay, who lull him into a lumbering trance-like slumber with their songs. A similar narcoleptic trance is induced upon the viewing audience, and a collection is taken.

10. Axl Rose—live, on television—unveils and performs the long-awaited Chinese Democracy album in its entirety…which turns out to be Brian Wilson’s Smile, played backwards. The concert then closes with a rousing version of “We Are The World,” featuring a passionate, tear-filled, crotch-grabbing performance by the recently exonerated Michael Jackson—whose performance is capped by a delirious, spittle-laden oath to “find the real molesters.”

The difference between comedy and tragedy is distance. You might wish to back away.

OIL FOR DARFUR! NO BLOOD FOR KRUNK!

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