WOMB WITH A VIEW

“I see the end…I see THE end—it was open, so I crawled inside…”

—from the song “Death Wish,” by Christian Death.

I felt like such a hypocrite—here I was, a rogue amongst my own. But that’s what makes us shady Blackadder types exactly what we are; we don’t play well with others. We can pick another of our sort out in a heartbeat. But here, placed in the position of potential victim—pretending to be a female on a clearly male-heavy singles site—I finally began to realize what I’d been doing to other women all along, and exactly what that feels like, or nearly so. It was a weird sensation—like being taught a lesson, even though you (deep down) knew it all along.

Don’t get me wrong: my mysogeny never faltered for a moment. I still remembered every cheerleader and Pretty Girl who shunned, taunted and tortured me as a pale and awkward fat kid growing up; and to an extent, I’ve made every woman pay their debt since I came into my own.

It’s scary to look so deeply in the mirror, razor-scraped as it is. But then I’ve been there before, haven’t I? But none of this is the point. The point is that while I’m a flawed and conflicted mammal, I’m at least good at it. We all know that people lie to us, perhaps even daily. Hell, half of us are lying to ourselves. But the worst among them all is the bastard who refuses you the dignity of even a plausible lie. It’s sort of like the Bush Administration—with all the tools at their disposal, they don’t respect the American people enough to even provide a decent subterfuge. They’re open, and blatant, like muggers. And the Average Lonely Male is just that kind of mugger, I would find.

MYSTERY MEAT FANDANGO

So, realizing that I was attracting too much attention--cockmagnet that I clearly was, I deleted the majority of my profile. It had no photo, and now, very little—if any—description of what I looked like, what I liked, or what I might be looking for. I was Jane Doe. That ought to stem the tide, eh? Or not.

I began receiving e-mails such as this one:

Bend_u_Over69: _you sound mysterious i would like to learn more email me back_

Stubborn? A bit. Even creepier was this one:

Vladtestes: _hi here goes my contact you can read my profile and see how to contact me i did my part now im looking to here from you ,i can hardly wait you very intriging and have captured my attention _

The best one, however, was this (with my reply, as “Angelmeat”):

RumpRanga67: _Hello sexy- Your picture is totally hot and I would like to get together with you. What area do you live in? What are you looking for from this web site? Email me back.
See ya..._

[NOTE: My profile did NOT include a picture.]

Angelmeat: Dear RumpRanga… You are living proof that what you don’t see is far sexier than what you do. As such, I am about to fulfill your fantasies by becoming the sexiest woman of all time. In other words, you’ll never see me. Love, Angel.


SWEETENING THE DEAL

Okay…so, if I make myself into a hag, I get hits upon hits upon desperate wolf-date hits. If I make myself vague and distant, I’m mysterious...and get even more attention. How is it that we rule the planet again?

Back to haghood, it is. At some point, I was now not only 350lbs., hirsuite (hairy), and Baptist, but I now also had a lazy eye, and was epileptic. I still refused to post a picture, though—that would be too easy. I also decided to up my age to 43. It seemed like a nice, random number. I also implied that I bathed only intermittantly, and that I liked drinking blood—but only from Irishmen, and only after they’ve had a few. And, still ever the mad Armenian at heart, added at the end, “No Turks.”
Well, call up for your shots, and cue up another round—because no sooner than I made these changes, I had a new round of adventurous gentlemen lined-up at my rounded porkdoor like fleas upon my very ankles. These were extra-special:

Xoxoxox: _My name is xoxoxox who is very hot n horny 4 u for an adventure with you. I am a very passionate, sensual, very open-minded, easy-going, very sexual, humorous, and fun to be with man who would like to get together with you. Msg me back and lets get started.._

Angelmeat: My name is Mbutu Rajneesh I work in the International operation department in local bank here in Nigeria On a routine inspection I discovered a dormant domiciliary account with a BAL. Of 36,000,000 (Thirty Six Million USD) on further discreet investigation I also discovered that account holder has long since passed away (dead) leaving no beneficiary to the account…(blah blah blah)

Ah well...it never would have worked--I'm not sure how I'd ever pronounce "xoxoxox" anyway.


IT WAS POINTED RIGHT AT ME…

Chocodaddy124124: _ok i'm game whats up?_ Sex acts I enjoy: Receiving oral sex, Anal sex, Giving rim jobs, Receiving rim jobs, Manual masturbation, Threesomes, Fun with food

[NOTE: His profile included a picture of an erect penis instead of a headshot. It was pointed right at me—accusingly. Eek.]

Angelmeat: My dinner.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE ALWAYS THE HARDEST

HoagiYogi: _Well firstly I like red hair and brunettes, they look great especially from behind while you take them from the back doggy style, I love to have a woman that way you bend them down a little arch their back and they will feel that all the way like it is in their stomach all the while you are just strokinh in and out. I love to finger a girl to her first orgasm, then let her come down a little then start all over I like it when I can make them begin to shake and they just go wold and start to nibble my neck and tongue my ear. That drives me to the point where I will go down on them and eat their sweet sweet pussy till they are cuming again. I love to treat a lady like a lady then when we are in bed I like her to be a woman........._

Angelmeat: “When we are in bed, I like her to be a woman.” I’m sorry, Yogi, but I don’t think we’re terribly suited for one another, as I prefer to be a lady during the day, and then when we are in bed, be the man. Hideously sorry, Angel.


LOOKIN4LUV IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Lookin4Wife2Luv: _hi im a clean very handsome mwm executive in this area, 6 ft 200 lbs waist 356-37 in nice dark hair average bod (not fat), looking for fun safe descreet sex with no strings. can only play during the day but could drive to you most days. if interested i can send pics, you may mail me have a nice day hope to hear back from you._

I didn’t originally respond to this one. Unable to cope with my silence, he sent me a copy of his riveting introductory letter twice. Then a third time… Without my even acknowledging his existence, he then sent me several e-mails over the course of a (very aggressive) two weeks. In a bit of irony, this "young, hard executive" had a handle which implied he was searching for a wife; however, upon inspection of his profile, it would appear that he is already married! Finally, I responded:

Angelmeat: I take it you are looking for someone else’s wife? Fortunately, you are in luck—I prefer my sex without strings as well. Now twine…twine is another matter altogether!

And thus was the irony, dearest readers: Weeks of me not responding made him write more often… But when I finally respond to him? He never writes back. Hmmph.


RECREATIONAL GYNOCOLOGY FOR BEGINNERS

In retrospect, maybe I was a little hard on this guy—hey, he’s only trying to get lucky like the rest of us, right?

DOCTORPROCTOR: _u sound very sexy! i am a doc in washU med center. i am looking for babylike you. i have lot to give you so email me soon or call me, DOC_PS do you like pills?_

Angelmeat: If you can’t find a baby, you’re a poor excuse for a doctor. Perhaps you are looking in the wrong slot? You might have a lot to give; it’s a shame one of these things can’t be a clue.


MEN OF FEW WORDS (IN THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE)

I didn’t bother responding to these:

StLSTUD: _Let's discuss it,James._

(NOTE: My name is not James, and his was not either, according to his profile.]

PrinceCharming4U: _contact me_

[NOTE: Creepy, eh? This guy was from somewhere called "Roach, MO." How…charming.]


FIRE IN THE HOLE

This hangover isn't leaving, and yet the fun--it never ends! I’ll leave you all with my personal favorite, and we'll get back to all these Stupid Human Manwhore Tricks later on...

Firedude: _I saw your profile and you look like a lot of fun! Ever think about playing with a muscular well-hung fireman? If interested, I am anxiously awaiting your reply! Firedude_

NOTE: Like “Lookin4…,” before him, "Firedude" would go on to contact me several times, despite the fact that I never replied to him once. The most disturbing element of this, is that these were all three and four page letters! Ultimately, it all culminated in the following, final, creepy message:

Firedude: _Hello, I thought I would share a little fantasy with you and see if you'd like to play with a muscular fireman sometime? My ideal meeting with you would to come over and when you open the door we hug and kiss passionately. My hands begin to explore your body as I slowly move you over against the wall. You feel my body pressed hard against you as we kiss and explore each other with our hands. My hands begin to massage your breasts through your blouse and bra as my tongue and mouth begin to move down your neck. I open your blouse and lift your bra and begin to massage your breasts with my hands as my tongue lashes out on your nipples feeling them get hard in my mouth. While I begin to suck harder and nibble on your nipples my hands slide under your skirt with my fingernails lightly scratching the inside of your thighs until they reach your hot pussy. I begin to massage your pussy through your panties until I feel your heat and moisture leaking through turning me on more and more. I then drop down to my knees and raise your skirt up over your hips and run my tongue up your thighs as you spread your legs begging me to bury my face into your heat. I rub my nose and tongue against the flimsy fabric seperating my tongue from your pussy as you begin to move your hips forcing them into my face. I then lower your panties and go right to your pussy with my tongue. I lick your slit and feel your clit getting larger as my tongue slides through. I then stand up and kiss you deeply as our tongues dance against each others sharing the sweet taste of your juices. You turn me around with my back to the wall as you take off my shirt and kiss your way down my neck and across my chest as your hands rub my cock through my jeans making it hard and wanting you. You drop to your knees and undo my pants and underwear and slowly begin to lick my cock turning me on incredibly. I raise you up and kiss you again and walk you over to the couch and lay you down. I pull your hips to the edge of the couch and begin licking up the inside of your thighs until I reach your hot dripping pussy. I slide my tongue inside you and taste your warm musk and then begin working on your clit circling my tongue around it until you cum on my face. I then turn you over onto your hands and knees and cum up behind you and rub my cock head against your tender pussy. I then slowly start sliding it in and out of waiting for you to beg me to fuck you harder as you grind your hips back against me. I then begin to fuck you harder pounding that tight pussy until we both cum again. You then begin to play with my cock trying to get it hard, and when my cock returns to its full length again, I lay you on a towel on the floor and raise your legs and slide my cock into your pussy and pound hard as we work each other into a frazzle. Sound like fun? Hope to hear from you soon, Firedude_


This is all still only the beginning. Yes…it all gets better—or is that worse? To this day, I still don’t know…


TO BE CONTINUED…


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