THE RELIEF EFFORT: ROUND ONE

Due to my momentary displacement much thanks to Hurricane Rita, this week will feature all guest-sadists, posting in my absence like they own the friggin' place.
Want a shot? Post a comment or e-mail your intentions. My intentions are generally malevolent; I expect no less.

I should be back up and running on my own by Monday; in the meantime, give a warm round of applause and devil horns to our first guest-poster, PIKKEL WEEZEL.

Pikkel stradles the delicate balance of Libertarian machizmo, and good ol' fashioned dick and fart jokes. Stradles it like a five-dollar Roxy's dance, he does.

He and I share some similar hobbies. And you know what? It's more fun than eating a box of communion wafers at a Catholic tailgate party of the semi-sorta-damned. Enjoy. )+(



WELL, NO SHIT

As I was driving to Tampa last week, I saw a sign hanging on a tree along the interstate. It simply read "Hell Is Hot", well no shit. Of course hell is hot, we've been told this for many years. Of course we know this to be true because well, we've been told this for many years.

Of course this got me thinking about two other homemade roadside signs that are common in the south, "Jesus Is Coming" and "John 3:16".

Let's start with John 3:16, although I'm no bible scholar, I can definitely boast 12 years of being dragged kicking and screaming to church, which I think clearly proves I know a little something about something. John 3:16 is obviously some sort of ratio, there's the something I know about something, the something I do not know is what the ratio refers to. At first thought you think hey, this is the south, that's probably the gear ratio in John's ol' pick up truck, or maybe, it's the ratio of
people who understand why these signs are hanging all over the place vs. the amount of people who don't know or care, if someone knows for sure, enlighten me.

For some reason, I have spent a bit more time lately pondering the Jesus Is Coming signs that are so prevalent around these parts. After all, we have been told for many years that he will return, and we know this to be true because well, we've been told this for many years (can you see where I'm going with this). For two thousand years, give or take a few for stopped watches and misprinted calenders, we have been told that Jesus will return. 2000 years! It seems to me that the son of God would be able to move a bit quicker than that, I mean with all the shit goin down lately I would like to think he could at least see the need to strap on some roller blades and pick up the pace.

I guess my point is this. Nowhere is the fact that the more you tell a story, the more people will believe it, more obvious than in religion, any religion. For 2000 years we have had this story beat into our skulls. Each time something bad happens, we are all told that it's a sign that he is on his way. Lately, it's been the hurricanes, before that, 9/11, before that, Elvis.

Sorry Elvis, I didn't mean to drag you into this.

To prove my theory, as of today, I am telling everyone I know that I am thin, fit, good looking and an absolute animal in bed that can last for days. Tomorrow, I will tell them again, the next day again, so on and so on. In about 2000 years I will have every hot chick on earth (minus the few typical non-believers) begging for my
attention, showering me with gifts, throwing their panties at me and offering me
large amounts of cash for a little bit of lovin.

Stick around, I'll tell you if it works.

Pikkel Weezel